“A Journal On The Imperfections of Perfection” – Coping: This is Who We Are Entry 18

For today’s piece, we have a  submission from Kelly Sorge about her struggles with an eating disorder. This one really hit us hard, and we think you’ll enjoy it thoroughly. 

Fall 2011

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It didn’t start the way you normally hear about these things starting. I was never bullied about my weight. No one ever called me “fat”, and I actually always considered myself skinny growing up. It happened completely out of the blue one day when this demon awoke inside me and decided to make me think that I wasn’t good enough. Little did I know that this demon would follow me and take over the next three years of my life.

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“An Empty Home & An Empty Stomach: My Lifelong Struggle With Eating Disorders” – Coping: This is Who We Are Entry 17

Next up this week is Celeste’s candid self reflection on her struggles with an eating disorder, and how she’s been able to grow and flourish.

My earliest memory of clear dissatisfaction with my body was when I was six years old, pressing my body against the horizontal wood slabs of my bed frame, examining the skin of my stomach poking between the gaps.

By 10 years old, I was methodically tightening my family’s belt collection over my entire torso, desperately wishing the leather would squish my body smaller.

“You are fat, disgusting, weird, ugly, worthless, less than.”

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“A Day Without Love: How My Depression Made Me Who I Am” – Coping: This is Who We Are Entry 16

In our latest submission in the Coping series, we have the story of Brian:

Depression came to me before I was aware of it. The first time I felt out of place was in kindergarten when I waited for my mother to pick me up from school. I lived right across the street from my school, and my grandmother would meet up with me to walk across the street.  Things started to change when I was told that my Mother would pick me up. At the time, this was important to me because my relationship with my Mother was distant. My Mother didn’t really do much for me, and treated me like I did not exist.  When I found out that she was going to pick me up from school, it meant the world to me, even though I was not aware that this would be the beginning of feeling like an outsider. My mother suffers from cerebral palsy and has a walking impediment. As you would guess, this was a challenge due to the public perception of disability in 1992.

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“When Good Grades Aren’t Enough: Mental Illness, Stress, and My Sexual Identity” – Coping: This is Who We Are Entry 15

Growing up I was taught at a very young age the only way to become successful was to earn a 4.0 GPA. A high GPA meant acceptance into the best universities across the country. So I pushed myself to earn nothing but the best grades so I wouldn’t disappoint my parents. Year after year I continued to beat myself up if I received anything less than an A. But then something happened that would change my life forever.

My mom had a psychotic break.

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Jacquelyn (Pictured far left), her siblings, and mother (Far right).

She was diagnosed with severe depression and bipolar disorder. Witnessing the acts of mania my mom exhibited scared me – she did things that I thought only a “crazy” person would do. My mom was hospitalized in a psychiatric ward for months on and off for a whole year. I was 13 at the time and remembered absolutely dreading going to visit her. Everything was locked and I thought that the patients were treated like prisoners. My mom’s doctors even made me sit in a conference with my mom and her psychiatrist asking if I wanted my mom to get better. That to me was scarring – of course I wanted her to get better but not in a place like a psychiatric ward.

It was all too much for me to handle.

Coping: This Is Who We Are

“Being a Twin With Anxiety: My Challenge With Isolation and Inadequacy” – Coping: This is Who We Are Entry 14

Anyone can be lonely.

Even those with all the friends in the world can still feel like they are all alone amongst the sea of friends in a group. A lot of the time, that’s just how I feel – kinda like the smallest fish in a school of fish – there, but not really noticed. Hell, I came into this world with a built in best friend who looks like me, and I still feel alone more often than not.

It’s been like this since around the time I started middle school. It’s gotten much better over the years, but I feel like I have not been able to shake this feeling. Looking back now, I can see just how stupid I was for letting little things that didn’t matter affect me as much as they did. But back then they were anything but little things.

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“Recovered and Still Struggling: Living Life Post ED” – Coping: This is Who We Are Entry 13

Is that really all you’re eating?” is a phrase I’ve been asked countless times. I think no matter how old I am, or where I go, this question will always cause my face to turn red.

Having an eating disorder (ED) can be pretty confusing to those who haven’t experienced one before. When you have one, regardless of its severity, you live in a constant state of self-judgment. Every move you make is monitored by your brain. Whether it’s choosing something to wear, what you are eating, or going into a public place, you are constantly on alert of what you look like to others.

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“Finding Worth: A Story of Losing Something I Never Lost” – Coping: This is Who We Are Entry 12

So basically, this story might bore you. To be blunt, I’ve never felt suicidal, I’ve never messed with drugs or alcohol, I’ve never even thought about writing out my story until I realized that all pain is pain. Everyone struggles with it differently and everyone has different ways of coping with it. This story is for the people who feel like they have no story to share.

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