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Dear Hope is Expanding Again, Meet Alaina!

I’m incredibly excited to say that we are bringing another person onto the Dear Hope team, Alaina Leary. Alaina attended the same college as Danny and I, and is now studying for her master’s degree in Publishing at Emerson College in Boston. She lives with her girlfriend and their two cats, and often writes about the experience of being a queer women and in a same-sex relationship.

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Alaina is a rape survivor, and originally wrote a post for Dear Hope about that experience. It’s important to her to use writing not only as a tool for her own healing, but as a way to show others that they aren’t alone. She believes that giving a voice to these issues can also raise awareness about rape culture and consent, and she is a strong advocate for teaching informed, enthusiastic consent to the masses.

As an editor for several online and print publications, Alaina wants to contribute to Dear Hope by assisting with submissions, editing, and social media management. She assists with social media activity for several other magazines, including a literary magazine focused on mental health topics. She believes that the internet is a great platform where everyone can be heard and form a community. She will also be contributing articles, features and profiles, service pieces, personal essays, and creative writing.

I’ve had the privilege of working with her on multiple projects, and she most recently did an interview about me, the website, and my photography project for Germ Magazine (Seriously, check it out, her writing is incredible). I can’t wait to see how her networking skills and undeniable writing talents strengthen our community.

So give Alaina a warm welcome and be on the lookout for new posts signed AL.

You are loved.

PF

 

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“Recovered and Still Struggling: Living Life Post ED” – Coping: This is Who We Are Entry 13

“Is that really all you’re eating?” is a phrase I’ve been asked countless times. I think no matter how old I am, or where I go, this question will always cause my face to turn red.

Having an eating disorder (ED) can be pretty confusing to those who haven’t experienced one before. When you have one, regardless of its severity, you live in a constant state of self-judgment. Every move you make is monitored by your brain. Whether it’s choosing something to wear, what you are eating, or going into a public place, you are constantly on alert of what you look like to others.

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“Finding Worth: A Story of Losing Something I Never Lost” – Coping: This is Who We Are Entry 12

So basically, this story might bore you. To be blunt, I’ve never felt suicidal, I’ve never messed with drugs or alcohol, I’ve never even thought about writing out my story until I realized that all pain is pain. Everyone struggles with it differently and everyone has different ways of coping with it. This story is for the people who feel like they have no story to share.

Coping: This Is Who We Are dear hope
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My Mental Illness Is Part of Me, But Not Who I Am

Who are you?

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This is a question that we like to avoid. It may be the question that we are always avoiding. There is so much weight to those three words that you can’t help but feel them hit you as your ears and brain correspond to decipher the message. Sure, there are some out there who could stare straight into your eyes and answer with immediate confidence. But for most of us, the journey to self discovery is one full of trial and error, highs and lows, and years and years of experience.

But for those of us who fight a mental illness, the path to discovery becomes even more complicated. How can we define who we are when we often feel that we are two, separate, distinguishable people?

Does my mental illness define me?

What side of me is the real me?

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My Reflection: Days and Nights With My Eating Disorder

“The human body is the best work of art.” ­ Jess C. Scott

There were mornings,

where all the mirrors were covered with a net. One that would catch your projected insecurities, and house them there until they grew too large to ignore. Becoming a permanent part of the reflections they presented. Every time you dare to glance over they would be the first thing your eyes catch, the monstrous voices of self ridicule further exaggerating them in your mind until it was they were only part of your distorted reflection you could think about.

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Mental Illness Through Photography: Anxiety & Depression (October Update)

What if mental illnesses were shown on the outside? 

Would we still be afraid to ask for help?

Often times I’m asked what it feels like when the depression hits. Is it just sadness? Do you just want to isolate yourself and be alone? I mean yes, it is. But theres so much more. It feels like there’s a hand inside of my head that is pulling on the back of both of my eyes, slowly encasing me in myself. It makes you feel like you want to cry, but for me, no tears ever come. It’s like there’s a black hole sitting in the middle of my chest that is sucking any little bit of life that I have out of me. From the tips of my fingers to the bottom of my feet, I feel everything start to retract. And I go numb. It can happen when I’m in a room full of laughing people who I could consider my best friends. And out of no where it’ll hit me like a truck. And often times all I can do is watch as the truck approaches, caught like a deer in the headlights. I’ll start to slip. And my mind feels heavy with pressure as doubts flood in and I start to question even the most concrete parts of my life.

The text above is from a piece I wrote a few months ago trying to describe what depression, and to an extent, anxiety, feel like to me.

Now. a few months later, not only do I have words to describe what it feels like, but photos. These shots come from my project Consumed: Mental Illness Through Photography that looks to depict different mental illnesses externally instead of internally. Over the last few weeks I spent time with two models to personify the darkness I feel that consumes me on a daily basis.

I hope these photos help you represent what you fight like they did for me, and I hope those who have trouble understanding what anxiety and depression feels like, understand a little more.

See more shots below. Also expect another update on the Consumed photo series next month as I have two new ideas with two more shoots scheduled to continue to personify my interpretation of depression and anxiety. Feel free to follow the site with your email to get updates, or find us on twitter and facebook.

And always remember you are not alone.

You are loved.

PF

Want to submit to this site and share your story, art, or article? Email wemustbebroken@gmail.com

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A Lens Into Our World Consumed dear hope
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“Navigating The Fog, My Journey To Accepting My Depression” – Coping: This is Who We Are Entry 11

I don’t really know how or why it all started. I can barely remember when it even started. I was so confused as to why this was happening, but for some reason it did. And now, here I am.

I didn’t understand why I could possibly be feeling this way.

Nothing was wrong in my life, after all.

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Before, and even during my depressive episodes, I always thought that depression could only happen after some sort of serious traumatic event. But that’s not the case. I could go on and on about the stigma of mental illness, but that’s another story that could be discussed forever. The stigma, and the belief that depression isn’t something that just happens, prevented me from getting the help that I needed. For years, I beat myself up over feeling depressed and being suicidal. I told myself that I should just suck it up. After all, I had no reason to feel that way, right?. I lived in a stable household. I went on frequent trips to incredible places. I went to private school and had lots of friends. I had more than enough opportunities to do whatever I wanted. So why did I feel so hollow and numb, with my only desire being to kill myself?

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Coping: This is Who We Are Entry 10 – “Guilt, Shame, and Hope”

Dear Hope,

I want to share some of my experience with depression and how I’ve coped with it.  I write constantly, but rarely for a purpose or to an audience, so I hope whoever is reading this will be forgiving.  I’m not an expert – but I am a survivor.

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Depression takes many shapes and forms, and your experience will be unique.   Personally, I would describe it as my worst enemy, one that wants only my destruction.  I first experienced depression when I was 8 years old and being bullied at school non-stop.  I would sit on the roof of my childhood home, stare at the pavement, and long for death.  Back then, I didn’t fit in anywhere.  I felt worthless.  I thought that if I died, no one would care except my parents and my one (1) friend, who saved me from myself for about a decade without ever knowing I was depressed, just by being there.  I don’t talk to her enough now, we grew up and apart, but she always picks up the phone when I call.  I’ve learned there aren’t many people in the world like that, but that there are some people in the world like that. And I’m lucky to know one.

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Consumed

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I launched a new page that details my “Consumed: Mental Illness Through Photography” series. These are the first shoots that will grow to show multiple illnesses with models of different races, genders and identities. Because a mental illness can happen to anyone at anytime no matter who you are.

Find more at the link.

Source: Consumed

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