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Coping: This is Who We Are Entry 10 – “Guilt, Shame, and Hope”

Dear Hope,

I want to share some of my experience with depression and how I’ve coped with it.  I write constantly, but rarely for a purpose or to an audience, so I hope whoever is reading this will be forgiving.  I’m not an expert – but I am a survivor.

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Depression takes many shapes and forms, and your experience will be unique.   Personally, I would describe it as my worst enemy, one that wants only my destruction.  I first experienced depression when I was 8 years old and being bullied at school non-stop.  I would sit on the roof of my childhood home, stare at the pavement, and long for death.  Back then, I didn’t fit in anywhere.  I felt worthless.  I thought that if I died, no one would care except my parents and my one (1) friend, who saved me from myself for about a decade without ever knowing I was depressed, just by being there.  I don’t talk to her enough now, we grew up and apart, but she always picks up the phone when I call.  I’ve learned there aren’t many people in the world like that, but that there are some people in the world like that. And I’m lucky to know one.

Coping: This Is Who We Are dear hope
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Consumed

MARISSA 2 COLOR

I launched a new page that details my “Consumed: Mental Illness Through Photography” series. These are the first shoots that will grow to show multiple illnesses with models of different races, genders and identities. Because a mental illness can happen to anyone at anytime no matter who you are.

Find more at the link.

Source: Consumed

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Mental Illness Through Photography: Anxiety

What if mental illnesses were shown on the outside? 

Would we still be afraid to ask for help?

The slideshow below is showcasing some of the shots that were taken during my last photo shoot for my project Consumed. As someone who has personally fought both depression and anxiety I looked for a way to personify this invisible illness that no one can see.

A Lens Into Our World Consumed dear hope
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Consumed: Photography Through Mental Illness (Teaser Video)

What if mental illness was shown on the outside?

Hey All!

I made a small video showcasing what it was like setting up some of the end shots from the photoshoot I posted about yesterday. I really want to start getting more behind the scenes footage to make a full video at the completion of the project in the spring.

For those who don’t know I’m currently producing a photo series entitled “Consumed” that looks to challenge our idea of what mental illness is by portraying attributes of the illnesses externally instead of internally.

If we can make the invisible visible maybe we can start to end some of the stigma that surrounds us all.

Check out the video below, and feel free to subscribe as it’s the official Dear Hope youtube channel!

You are loved.

PF

http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8NPHp_-pls

Consumed
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Consumed (Anxiety): A Behind The Scenes Look At The Next Series

The Consumed project continued the other night with the focus this time being on Anxiety.

We worked for 6 hours as a team to bring to life and personify what anxiety would feel like as an external factor instead of an internal factor. I’m so proud of the team and effort and passion everyone involved brought. I couldn’t have done it without them. But while I’m working on the photos post shoot I thought I would share some of the behind the scenes photos taken. Take a look in the slideshow below.

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Find more of the consumed project here. And be on the lookout for more projects and updates as the fall continues.

PF

A Lens Into Our World Consumed
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Extinguishing the Invisible Fire: Changing the Conversation on College Suicide

Hey everyone.

First off, thanks for welcoming me. I’m so happy to be here. I’ve advocated for mental health for years now after realizing my own struggle and for empathetically stepping into the shoes of those who don’t quite know how to find their voices yet. Paul has done such a wonderful job with these things on Dear Hope. You all have done a wonderful job in fighting your own struggles and doing what you can to find your places and raise awareness. For this, I thank you immensely. Change starts with emotions and ideas. Fires start from sparks. The smallest seeds grow into the largest trees, and  you are all much larger seeds thank you actually think you are. Your potential is endless and I hope that we here at Dear Hope can help you realize that.

tree

On that totally hopeful and optimistic note, let’s discuss something I’ve dealt with lately-suicide.

Now, the intent of education is not to sugar coat. The world is unfortunately not covered in chocolate frosting. Negative and detrimental issues exist both in our society and on a global scale.

Suicide is one of these issues.

Article dear hope
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My Journey Accepting Bipolar Disorder: I Don’t Need to Be Medicated

This piece comes as a submission from an anonymous source who wishes to share their journey and experience with bipolar disorder. Find their touching path to acceptance below.

Around the time I was thirteen, I knew something was off.

I didn’t feel like myself; it felt like every problem in my family or my eighth grade friend group was weighing down on my shoulders. I felt the awful pain every time bad news came my way and I spent more time crying that I did laughing.

Could it have been the constant fighting between my parents that struck emotional episodes and tantrums?

Was it the fact that puberty was hitting and I was finally realizing that I wasn’t like the other kids from my small suburban town?

Was it the constant back and forth of my foster cousins living at my Aunt’s house?

Could it have been the teasing and mocking about my bushy eyebrows, stupid hair that never quite fell into place, or bad clothing style?

I still don’t know exactly what started it,

but when I was thirteen I began cutting myself.

dear hope Uncategorized
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A (Big) Milestone: An Update From The Author

Hello everyone!

I apologize if things have seemed quiet as of late, I’ve been recovering from a surgery I had done on my dominate hand and have recently started my final year at my university. But I have some great news.

We have hit over 10,000 views on Dear Hope. 

WMMB2

Ten THOUSAND views in a little over half a year. If you had told me this was going to happen back in February I would have never believed you.

dear hope Uncategorized
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Mental Suicide

I brought my imbalances
And own self perception
Humidity brought the rain
And passion brought the drought

But that absence brought a thirst
That could no longer be felt
So belief is a word I have trouble believing
And the light in the dark I have trouble seeing

It’s always a cycle

I have trouble remembering what happened between hello and goodbye
The words that were oxygen became living parasites
We share our minds like we share our hearts
And my sleeve is stained while my head is apart

Body, mind, and soul all sold
For temporary calmness, distorted tranquility
By trains that run on a track they are stuck too
With power and potential, but only one way to go

Are you still the one you wanted to be?
The one you said would never change?
Am I the one I said I would be?
Or the one who got blurred out on paper lines

Believe me when I say
I don’t know what to say

The bulbs break and shut off
Maps of neurons start getting crossed out
What part of your mind are you trying to hide
What part of you has committed mental suicide?
PF

Want to submit to this site and share your story, art, or article related to mental health or mental illness? Email wemustbebroken@gmail.com

Creative Pieces dear hope
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Arachnophilic

The lock slid into place,
and the sun was no more.
The world around me had fled;
every had neuron wilted until dead.

The spiders wove a message-
the greatest self-loathing to date.
The sun shined,
but the flowers would not meditate.

I sat near the cobwebs
as they feigned an adorned attention.
(The snow and the sun
knew nothing of this.)

An absolute exhaustion,
but I answered my own question.
I arose with determination-
some arbitrary motivation.

The world was not so cold.
An imaginary exit sign
had been covered by mold.
My fingertips searched
for a euphoric nowhere,
but the doorknob was no longer there.

This post is a submission from Danny who wrote a Coping piece earlier this year for Dear Hope. Find his poetry page here to hear his intricate and detailed thoughts and creations.

Want to submit to this site and share your story, art, or article related to mental health or mental illness? Email wemustbebroken@gmail.com

Creative Pieces dear hope