Coping: This is Who We Are Entry 10 – “Guilt, Shame, and Hope”

Dear Hope,

I want to share some of my experience with depression and how I’ve coped with it.  I write constantly, but rarely for a purpose or to an audience, so I hope whoever is reading this will be forgiving.  I’m not an expert – but I am a survivor.

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Depression takes many shapes and forms, and your experience will be unique.   Personally, I would describe it as my worst enemy, one that wants only my destruction.  I first experienced depression when I was 8 years old and being bullied at school non-stop.  I would sit on the roof of my childhood home, stare at the pavement, and long for death.  Back then, I didn’t fit in anywhere.  I felt worthless.  I thought that if I died, no one would care except my parents and my one (1) friend, who saved me from myself for about a decade without ever knowing I was depressed, just by being there.  I don’t talk to her enough now, we grew up and apart, but she always picks up the phone when I call.  I’ve learned there aren’t many people in the world like that, but that there are some people in the world like that. And I’m lucky to know one.

Coping: This Is Who We Are dear hope

Silence

These thoughts running through my head
Contemplating life and death
So much noise, so much doubt
I’m afraid not even the darkness can figure this one out
I’m gonna build a little shelter here
And call it my home
Away from the wolves, away from the storm
This will be the last you hear, this will be the last you see
Of this torn asunder soul
I’ll burn down the bridges and call the ashes home
I’m a hungry heart with a loaded gun
Too tempted to shy away from the morning sun
I feel these eyes calling me home
But home is not where you are
Oh God, Where are you?
I’m finding it difficult to breathe under these heavy stares
Dear God what’s it going to take to make you care?
I’m burning, Im breathing, Im dying
I can’t seem to find my way out
Oh God…Where are you now?
This poem is submitted by Matthew Malin. For more discussion on mental health and what it’s like to be inside his head, check out his blog “Confessions” here.
Always remember you are not alone.
You are loved.
PF
Want to submit to this site and share your story, art, or article related to mental health or mental illness? Email wemustbebroken@gmail.com
Creative Pieces dear hope