“I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad…
…or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.”
Sylvia Plath was someone who I instantly identified with when we read The Bell Jar my senior year in high school. The thoughts that went through her head and the way she saw and perceived the world were both relatable to me in so many ways. While so many people who read the book in class couldn’t understand her descent into madness, I understood perfectly.
This quote is from one her journals and speaks so much to my character and person. I often describe myself as being in two worlds. One that is confident, happy, and going (busy) along with one that is extremely sad, torn down from the world and myself, watching through the stained glass that I have made myself. I analyze, question and pick apart every situation and remain passive, still, and despite whoever’s around me, alone.
But what’s worse than those depressive moods is when I’m stuck between the two. I feel even less than I should. When I’m passive and sad, I understand where I am and feel comfort in knowing so. But when I’m in between I feel distress for being close to being happy but not being able to obtain it. I also start to worry that the bell jar will again fall upon me soon, trapping me within myself. And it drives me mad. I’m neither happy nor sad, just in a dark teasing limbo that laughs as you try and make your way through life.
If you haven’t read any of Plath’s work, you should check it out sometime. It’s a tragedy that her life ended so soon (fun fact she died on my birthday). But her perspective is truly unique and one that makes you think about things that are often ignored.
Thanks to my friend Haley for suggesting doing a new post based off a quote as I’ve hit a slump with the creative writing this last week. Expect a new Coping piece in the next day or two as well! Thanks to everyone who has reached out and emailed me so far about contributing, I can’t wait to see your stories! Anyone who has made progress and wants to check in, or if you feel you want to contribute to the community email me at wemustbebroken@gmail(dot)com.
Remember you are not alone and you are loved.