Our first submission piece in Eating Disorder Awareness Week comes from Morgan, titled “He Called Me The ‘T’ Word.”
Throwback Thursday, time to choose a tacky photo to make a thoughtful post about good times from years before:
“#tbt to freshman year homecoming- miss yah girly”
Steady stream of likes flow in, slowing to a trickle as the day goes on.
3 hours after posting, there was a dink of a notification:
“Looking really thin Morgan, *thumbs up emoji*”
Looking really thin Morgan.
Looking really thin Morgan?
Commented by some irrelevant asshole I for some reason allowed to take me to Jr. prom.
With one word, that “friendly” frat boy sent me back to my freshman year body. #tbt to the feet that broke all the mirrors in the bathroom, the monstrous voices of self ridicule screaming to destroy the distorted reflection. #tbt to the skin, the brushed, red, puffy, wrists, from the snap, snap, snapping of rubber bands in a futile attempt to tame a growling stomach. #tbt to the hands that opened the pill bottle, slimy leeches of depression sucking out any hope I had left. #tbt to freshman year homecoming.
There were so many other words he could have used since he felt so inclined to comment on my appearance:
“Looking really good Morgan”
“Looking really nice Morgan”
“Looking really pretty Morgan.”
Or, he could have just not said anything all, just double tap my photo and scrolled on absentmindedly as he walked from class to class.
But no. He chose thin. “Looking really thin Morgan.”
Thin, the terrible illness that made it impossible to keep down anything. Restricting my meals, making me go hungry. Thin, the terrorizing trainer that made me work my starved body to the point of exhaustion, point of collapse, point of breaking. Thin, the tremendous tide that slowly eroding any stone stronghold of self confidence I had.
The unobtainable, unhealthy, unrealistic, expectation that I have to actively work to exercise from hunting my thoughts and speech, was now on my Instagram.
“Looking really thin Morgan.”
And there I was, waterfall of salt running endlessly down my cheeks, anger warming my insides.
How could I let myself to get so upset over a comment by someone so irrelevant and unimportant to my life? A summer of therapy has taught me better, but the truth is no matter how far in recovery, 6 days, 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years, that four letter word will always remind me of the time I almost ended my life.
Being affected by that word is not a failure on the path of my recovery. If anything it can be a triumph, it’s hearing that word, and knowing that I am so much more.
I am artistic. I am beautiful. I am cute. I am demure. I am elegant. I am feminine. I am graceful. I am humble. I am irreplaceable. I am joyful. I am kind. I am lovable. I am majestic. I am nice, odd, pretty, quirky, radiant, sassy, thoughtful, unashamed, valid, witty,
and I am 110% okay with never being thin.
Check out Morgan’s other wonderful submission, here.
Remember, you are not alone,
and you are loved.
This post is a part of our Eating Disorder Awareness Week. Find the other posts here:
An Introduction To Eating Disorder Week – What are Eating Disorders? – He Called Me the “T” Word” – An Empty Home & An Empty Stomach: My Lifelong Struggle With Eating Disorders – The Fine Print – Doubt: Sarah’s Poem –A Journal on the Imperfections of Perfection – Nervosa
Want to submit to this site and share your story, art, or article related to mental health or mental illness? Email firstname.lastname@example.org
As a society, there is so much pressure to be thin (which is portrayed as the image of perfection). It’s time we changed that!
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Morgan I am so proud of you for sharing your story, it isn’t easy. But this is a beautiful post written by an even more beautiful soul. ❤
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Thank you so much. You have no idea how much it means to me 🙂
Beautifully written and you go girl!
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I’m all for being happy with who you are, but saying you will never be thin and you don’t care is a defense mechanism and doesn’t inspire anyone so I don’t understand why it is garnering so much attention. Don’t give up on a healthy lifestyle, but don’t do it to look skinny. Do it for your health. Love yourself but always be looking to improve. Never stay static! I currently have an eating disorder but it has nothing to do with the perception of my own body. I understand it’s tough to be a young girl with all of the outside pressures. But you need to learn to shut out the outside and listen to the voice on the inside. Do what is best for you, not what other people say is best. Take care of your health and find people who love you for you.
My point: I’m sure you are a great person but attacking this commenter for calling you thin is the worst thing you could do. He was trying to be nice and thought you would like the comment as with 99% of other girls thin would be a compliment. It means, hey you take care of your body, I notice and it looks awesome. Seems to me like he was trying to give you a boost and you take it and flip it into this AWFUL comment that he should have known better about. He doesn’t know what’s going on with you and all of your issues so you can’t expect everyone to walk around all enlightened to your situation never saying the word thin around you.
I hope you find your inner peace because things like this should not be so dramatic. Life is simple; Love others, love yourself. You seem to be on the right track with all of the positive things you had to say about yourself. But saying I’ll never be thin and I don’t want to be is just limiting yourself, and you should never limit yourself. People do enough of that already. I hope my words are not misunderstood, they come from the heart.
Another exercise I believe everyone should try is once a day, remove yourself from your comfort zone. Do something that makes you feel uncomfortable. For your example maybe say the word thin over and over again until it no longer has that affect on you. If Yugo don’t like heights go up high, if you don’t like the water go for a swim. Staying in your comfort zone does not allow for true growth.
Anorexia and bulimia had been so hard to understand in the past. In my culture, this is basically non-existent. It wasn’t until I was in the U.S that what was good enough for me before, suddenly wasn’t. As with any mental illness, disorder or disturbance….they are triggered. I wish more people would understand that what you say to a growing girl or guy matters.