Nervosa
by Evan Crimmins

Look at me, we are dual TV screens,
Look at me, the new me,
It’s been years…. a few years.
Sometimes people lose touch, break tree branches,
Bark turns into pieces- it’s slow.
Careful now, don’t touch,
Side step the crackling leaves.
I’ve lost touch, some things are obsessive,
Behavior can border on nervous,
I’m told my anxiety is ‘just a product of graduating school’,
Fuck that.
It’s easier to say now, but tripping awkwardly over: “I had an eating disorder in
high school for a while (and part of college)” to old friends, to parents, to a
brother, to a partner, it takes the weight off my shoulders for a temporary fix,
It switches one screen to shot, one to fun,
It’s okay if you don’t want to talk that much, I don’t blame you,
Body checks and body checks and body checks and body checks, and checks
and checks and checks and checks,
An impossible voice whispers sweet nothings.
God, they were so sweet.
Back then, 11th grade, the limits weren’t set,
No records on the record book,
Mirrors started to plague me,
Most food contains sugar, and borders on solid and liquid after a few.
Split down the middle chocolate-vanilla soft serve ice cream was the easiest
binge and purge,
Friends didn’t take notice at first,
I can tell you from experience.
It all almost tasted the same coming back up, just a hint of bile, the color was a
bit clammy,
Bile, bile is like my shadow is being slowly choked,
Food was so delicious, sugar was so pure, rib cage sticking out- a shallow
attitude,
I cry more now, it’s okay with me,
The secret was easy to keep; careful planning and quiet execution left me
shedding the pounds quick,
Cross country and growth spurts are convenient cover-ups,
Not currently destroying me, anything for a pound or two,
Stress and anger tears give relief, they tire the eyes,
Projects are procrastinated day in and out,
A series of photos from the years shows weight dropping low, and lower, and lower,
I couldn’t even kiss you, though, when I gave you a hug your ribs and spine dug into my fingers,
It was surreal, as if you were a rock face splitting from moisture fissures,
Who am I to talk? I was back on the rollercoaster,
Bulimia is still more than a word,
Bulimia will always be more than a word, a Wikipedia article, a definition.
That’s okay,
Being male with an eating disorder is okay,
Eating disorders are not exclusive to any gender,
You’re okay,
It’s okay.

It’s going to be okay.

It’s important to remember that eating disorders know no gender, they can happen to anyone at anytime. Special Thanks to Evan for his incredible piece, make sure to leave him a comment below. Find all of our posts from this week below at the links. 

Always remember you are not alone,

You are loved.

PF


This post is a part of our Eating Disorder Awareness Week. Find the other posts here:

An Introduction To Eating Disorder WeekWhat are Eating Disorders?He Called Me the “T” Word” – An Empty Home & An Empty Stomach: My Lifelong Struggle With Eating Disorders – The Fine PrintDoubt: Sarah’s Poem – A Journal on the Imperfections of Perfection – Nervosa


Want to submit to this site and share your story, art, or article related to mental health or mental illness? Email wemustbebroken@gmail.com

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